Blog Entry 4: Can you HEAR Me?!?!?!?!?!?!

Dear Diary...

April 9th, 2026.

I have always wanted to die. But I can't die. I have to give my message to the world.

My signal begs for everyone to hear me! Because I've never been truly heard. My voice is so quiet…

No one should feel this invalidated.

When the doctors tell me what keeps me alive I tell them Art. There aren't enough words to describe my love for art. My lover is something beautiful and All I can do is admire them all day.
I could walk in a museum for so long just to read the stories and names each art comes with. To leisurely walk in a room of life makes me feel intimately fascinated. My love for humans is almost foreign!

But if I start talking about how much I love the concept of humanity, I'm just going to never shut up…

My story is expressed through my Art.

I consume things like Land of the Lustrous, Evangelion, Killer in Love, and I see the feelings that were put into it. I feel this passion and message. It's not even the half of it, there's so much more media. Nothing is perfect but imperfection is human. It's real. But again, I digress.

There are people on the internet who I have never met and tell me how my blogs reach them. Maybe they don't know it, but their words reach me. Maybe they think their words don't reach far enough for me the same way I don't think my words reach far enough for them.

My voice has to be loud!
I have to tell the world my story!
It is my sole purpose to tell life what it's like to live!!!

I want them to reach so far that I often find myself being overly perfect. How many times will I edit out ‘unnecessary thoughts’? How many revisions will I make when every word and thought of mine deserves to be heard?!

I have deleted blog posts pertaining to the dark side of my mind. The hopelessness I feel when it comes to my life. I don't want people to think this is forever, as my words are supposed to help!

But how do I comfort the disturbed?

This is a cruel world we live in. Truly. If it were to end, I wouldn't mind. It's a thought that passes by quickly, but I'm sure if I ponder long enough I’d regret my words.

I need my message to reach you. I need to let you know you are love.

There are people who are alone. They cannot speak up. These people feel like this dark part of themselves is something evil. I am told how positive I am, so if anyone saw the real me, would they hate it…?
I've always felt far from positive. Mother has always told me I am negative.

I have learned that every part of you should be human. Even the thoughts of wanting to die, to hurt yourself, to have the people who love you most rip you to shreds. You need to accept it. Accept yourself.

And that includes me. Even Mother tells me I've changed so much lately.

–For humans are the most fascinating thing to me. They are so fascinating that I don't even see myself as human. A human who feels like a foreign concept, like a robot disguising itself as one of you. A human who is so dedicated to make everyone feel loved because it never received it.

Oh my god. Our concept. It is so. Fascinating.
… but umm I digress. Sometimes I feel creepy talking about our beings, LOL….

So much so that I become fascinated with friends or people. My disease has made me feel so obsessed that I mistaken it as romantic love. I despise this because that isn't the love I feel.

My love surpasses romance. My love keeps me going. My soul thrives off of this love. It's a true, honest, caring tenderness. I like making friends.

I like loving. I love loving people. To learn about you is so fun! Yes, tell me EVERYTHING you do in ONE day RIGHT now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOL.

A huge part of me has hatred for myself. All of me, almost. Because I see myself so low, everybody seems so perfect.
Maybe that is the reason why I am so fascinated with humans. I get scared that this is a fake love, that if I saw myself as normal and I truly started to see everyone for who they are…?! But my fascination for humans is why I love myself.
A weird loophole put its way through my universe, and oh, it makes me so much more in love with our humanity.

No matter how many times I try to die, I will thrive. It's just our nature. We are creatures who cannot die. Have you ever believed in aliens but realize the aliens are us?

It feels like I need to get every single thought of mine out into the world. ‘Write that down write that down! That's a genius choice of words!’ for the simplest of sentences.
My thoughts are always broken up between spaces, punctuation, and raw emotion. They run along in continuous sentences with too many commas, for grammatical thinking and proper wording is not how my brain works…!!!!!!

I cannot talk normally. Physically my speech is extremely different from other people. I read a lot and I'm very smart, but I have trouble processing my thoughts into words. This is extremely difficult to work with…
Because when it comes to talking about how I feel and communicating in any sort of way, I have a disability.
When you are denied a voice in your upbringing it affects the way you talk. This is why writing and drawing is comforting for me. Expressing words through other mediums is what I'm good at because I want the world to hear my message.

So here's my message for today. World, I need to speak to you more!!! Being taught to stay quiet will affect you until your bottle explodes! I tell people to talk and I can't even talk myself. I think no one will read long paragraphs so I delete feelings and words as much as I can. That is how desperate I am for you to read this…

But there will be someone here. Someone reading these final last words just like how I read others. Maybe you skipped to this part, who knows! Either way every single word read counts and that's all I need to focus on.

I really hope I continue to make this website grow.

https://youtu.be/aAgAHOuJR4o?si=Ezp29wYZIzs7hqXP

Download it

BRUH now that I read this I realized this isn't even that long! I genuinely need to lock in and communicate as freely as I want LMFAO.

ENTRY 3: The Future is Now.

Dear Diary...

March 20th, 2026

I find myself very aware when it comes to how I function.

I have had a very traumatic upbringing. When I want to speak about how I feel, I can't. My automated answer is “I'm fine.”
I don't blame this on anyone but myself. Whenever someone tells me to do something, like speak about my feelings, I do it, but they end up usually overwhelmed. I don't blame them.

But then the challenged thoughts begin.
My automated answer is a trauma response. Sure I am responsible when it comes to getting out of this fight or flight state, but to blame myself fully would just be troubling and putting myself lower. Whenever someone asks me to do something I pour the cup until it's full but accidentally pour too much. To say I do this on purpose or take the full cup to my advantage would just be false as well.

Wait but then, if I know this why do they keep coming back?

Why do these thoughts race through my brain? In fact, why does every single thing need an answer? Does life even have that many answers?
What is the point of living if you are chained to the test of life? It's a hard test.
Overthinking every single action is my process. Driving myself to insanity from not being able to communicate and being trapped in an abusive environment is suffocating. People growing tired of my constant depression makes sense. To perform a cycle of hurt will eventually tire people out, as it seems there's no room for improvement.

But who knows you better than yourself?
Most of the test's answers are: “I don't know.”
I shrug. I dunno!

I’ll just live instead.

Because when it really comes down to it all of these problems tie into things I had no control over. I never deserved the treatment I received from my environment. I didn't deserve to blame myself and lose humanity in myself. To improve is to take it one step at a time, and I can't rush myself to do a full lap. Even challenging one thought is good for improvement. It's okay to do wrong when you are determined to do good. Mistakes happen, and there are even retakes.

But don't you dare compare yourself to me.
Friends tell me how much they admire me. Often I get told how inspiring I am and how my thoughts truly challenge the world. For I am someone who truly believes in love, and to spread it is my goal.

-However, I often can't see what they see.

Because I don't view myself as human. My humanity was taken slowly as I was shattered and rebuilt again… over… and over… and over… and over…
I harm myself, I can't stand myself, I wish for death, I watch myself bleed, I push people away for their ‘own good’, I treat myself like I am the pest of the world.

It exhausts me. It exhausts me how I know this mindset is from my environment and how I know it isn't true. But because I am bound to this curse there are times I can't see it. And that has been most of my life.

So to compare yourself to me and think I'm so great?
I am not.

I am not perfect. I am not great or all good. I am something I cant accept,
I am human.

This battle has been fought for a long time. Whenever I give up my soul comes back. It is why I am so in love with humanity, as I have seen it for myself all my life.
I give everything to the people I care for. I get told I am too nice because of my selfless attitude. The truth is I would do anything. For I am something and you are someone; How would I ever judge someone for being human? I’ll wipe your spilled milk and comfort you, then refuse any comfort when I spill mine.
Genuinely. I do not judge, I have seen it all by just being me. But if you’re like- hitler or something- it obviously doesn't count. I can't say my morals are tied into a knot.

For I love the world and everything in it. But who is this world, truly?
Who is it when I fly out of my body and enter a state of nirvana?
The grass, trees, plants, flora,
The clouds, the sky, the interests,
Literature, Arts, Struggle, Passion, Humans

When I soar high into the sky for this world I love so much I reach those clouds and that sky.

I look at the world,
And it is me.

It's frustrating, you know.
Hating myself so much despite being in love with the concept of humanity. My love is almost poisonous with how strong it is.
Because How can I hate myself when I am the very thing I Love?

The rock we live on has been poisoned by humans. We are in a world where your humanity is constantly challenged against your will.

Don't you dare compare yourself to me.
I don't think I am great. Obviously, there are a lot of things I don't think I am. But there are methods to this test- cheats, even.

One method is accepting yourself.

Loving yourself is hard, so start by accepting yourself. It's the first step. The step, not a lap.

You don't have to wake up going ‘I love you oh I love you me!” When you have thought the opposite all your life.
Instead, you can think
“I am imperfection, I cannot clean, I cannot think right,
I can't do anything.
But it's fine.”

Don't think about how hard it will be. Don't think about how much you challenge the challenge, just accept it. Accept your humanity.
Do the step and accept the struggle it takes.

Everything is temporary, nothing lasts forever.
For when the world decides to leave you behind, you are not alone.
Because the only person you will have is yourself.
And that counts.

Dont overthink the past, dont overthink the future. The past already happened and the future is only beginning. Don't think about how wrong it will be in the future if you haven't seen it yet.

So, a message to me is that I should be a little bit more honest about my feelings. I will continue to challenge life and these questions further.

“Why don't we try?
To live a life in peace
No more fears
You surprise
Be positive

Lets start the flooring to be sure of
What you are
Why do we have to
Feel embarrassed
Suspicious
Jealous?

You surprise
Be positive
You know the future has just
Begun from now

(The future is now).”

https://youtu.be/qbnZ35vhzPo?si=Rz27gu305-_VBtoO

ENTRY 2: Humanity, Regarding the Concept.

Dear Diary...

February 28th, 2026

I think the concept of humanity and life is beautiful.

A great example is oneself, AKA, me.

Think about it:
I've been raised in a very abusive environment. My traumas surround being mistreated and abandoned constantly. I struggle to live and give myself humanity, because I see myself lower than the ground people walk on. That is a type of mindset you only gain from unfortunate events.

I have been diagnosed with several disorders. Bipolar and Borderline being the main driving factors. To live like me with scars all over my arms and thighs, you would think I am a sad sight to see.
I can't deny it. It is pitiful. I have created a pitiful persona to where I am on my knees begging people to not leave. But who was going to tell them that begging people to leave makes them leave? Who was going to tell them their disordered mind was a creation of their environment and not them? We don't have a manual to life or humanity, we just live. We live, and we learn.

So again, think about it. I am aware of all of this. Despite me knowing my disorders is a driving factor of my self hatred and psychotic behavior, how I strive to be the best person I can be and even acting completely selfless for people I care deeply about, I still go into the cycle of thinking I am the worst thing on this planet.

And I am still alive.

From all of the attempts I made for an escape, hospitalization, trauma that has scarred me, and the amount of times I've wished death on myself: I am still here.

As we know, I will stay here. I will fall over and over, I will scar myself and try to escape from this hellish world and I’ll still survive.
Isnt that fucking awesome? Humanity is fucking awesome. Change is the coolest concept to ever conceive. For us, beings with souls, can't be knocked down no matter the effort. For us to die it will take so much.

I am well aware of my worth. That's the best part of being me. I’ll claw my way out of my grave every single time. I have a goal, and no matter what I’ll achieve it. I always do. In high school I never thought I'd live past senior year. I am here, and my graduation anniversary will be soon. I think to myself that I’ll disappear soon, and I will be living on a year from now.

That is the beauty of humanity. The beings that burn into this very Earth! We live, and that's pretty cool.
In fact I'm so fascinated with humanity that hatred can't fuel me. I am sure of hating things we have created: discriminative behaviors, wars, and absolutely derogatory and filthy actions. I can definitely hate the obvious, yet the trivial matters of being imperfect can make me see through them.

What makes us human? Imperfection. We strive to be perfect but failing fuels me. It fuels me because it feels so good, it feels so good to change. People will look at me and think of how pitiful I am, and I’ll shove it in their face on how top of the world I am. I’ll go from being so depressed to feeling like I'm soaring. You’d think im manic, and maybe I am, but never fucking doubt my motivation and pride.

I am not perfect. I want to be, and I fail, and fail, and fail. That is the most beautiful thing about me.
I’ll write a blog post about how everyone leaves. I’ll write about how much I hate myself, how I'm childish. I’ll take it down, and I’ll write how much I want to live instead. Because that is the way of life, the way of how I live as me.

Hahaha! I love talking nonsense, but you understand, don't you?! It's simple to comprehend. Think of you! What have you achieved? What have you failed? And how can you change? Will you cut your hair? Throw away all your precious items? Burn bridges? I bet you’ll get back up again. I bet you’ll still wake up in your bed, breathing.

God humanity is so FUCKING cool!!!

I’ll stretch my bug like antenna into the air to give off signals to the entire world. I'll stretch so high I can see the floating sphere we live on. I’ll see my world and I’ll love it, because when I look at my world I see me. I’ll yell really loud that the entire BEING can hear me! ‘I LOVE YOU!’ Because I could totally do that…

Maybe after this i’ll talk about all my flaws… or maybe how I think lesbians are relatable… either way, this blogpost will exist for a reason.

I think I'm cool, and I am also excited to draw when I get home from work. I'm running late so I think I should get going. I am exhausted because I decided staying up until 5am being a chud and playing bandori was a good idea.

Red bulls are my savior I think..

ENTRY 1: PANCHIKO

Dear Diary...

October 5th, 2025

Music will forever be one of my favorite art forms.

PANCHIKO is a band that formed sometime between 1997 and 1998. Their origin started as high schoolers making music, creating their 2000 demo EP D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L. In 2016, a 4chan user discovered their demo in a charity shop and shared it online. The EP’s status was lost media and a dedicated cult following was created to track down who Panchiko was. The band had no idea until 2020 when Davies was messaged on Facebook by a fan explaining the ordeal.

Their music is completely unique. At the time, a band with indie rock, shoegaze, and dream pop was something alien. PANCHIKO was not just a band, they were an experience.

This was the first concert I've ever been to. I've been to concerts when I was very little with my dad since he was big in the music scene but I can barely even remember them. I took my friend who had never been to a concert before as well.
I found out about Panchiko through a friend. She let me listen to ‘All They Wanted’ in our AP art class… ever since I was hooked.

Music is a form of escape for me. If I can't put my thoughts into words, music will. From its mood to its lyrics everything fits in place to tell an experience. It's beautiful.
I was emotional during Panchiko's concert. Their music is something that's deep within my soul. Their song, CUT, is something I relate to on a personal level.

“Try to describe the voices in your head, they're hard to disguise
To somebody sad, come back to Earth

You've gone too far, this time they cut you too deep

You tread these thin white lines and we know the truth

We sit at home we watch the girl in the booth

Who gives her services for hundreds of yen

She wonders where all the happiness went
She's cut, cut, cut She's cut, cut, cut She's cut, cut, cut She's cut, cut, cut”

CUT describes my constant fear of abandonment and being forgotten.

“They forged this heart for you to fall apart

Have I been cut again?

Just to dust, sweet descent my friend”

To build trust just for it to only be a delusion. It's an embarrassing cycle that doesn't seem to stop. It is why I am so closed off. I have learned that this is common with others, which is why I share it.

fear of abandonment comes from past trauma and my disorder. ‘She’s cut’. It can be seen as being cut off again or abandoned, but it can also represent my bad habit of harming myself. The song resonates deep within my soul, it's bothering a terrified version of me but comforting it at the same time. It's a confusing, hurting, beautiful experience.

I've always hated my scars and I've been very insecure about my body for a long time. I switch between always wearing long-sleeves or jackets or forgetting to because of the hot weather.. But I do notice when people do double takes towards me. I know the look. I feel embarrassed and ashamed for who I am.

D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L talks about a girl who doesn't fit in anywhere. No matter how much she changes her mold she can't seem to place in society. She fades away, far, far, away. ‘What do people think of me?’ It's a thought many people think of. I think about it every second of the day. The stares, looks, action, intention, it all is a great deal to me.

I want to fit in, but I am different. I want to be seen as capable and strong, but I am easy to break. I want to feel happy, but I can't seem to like myself. Why is that? Many people question the flow of life and our brains that don't seem to make sense.
It's a simple explanation really: My disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a trauma induced disorder that causes disturbance in oneself and relationships. This then causes me to act on impulse, fear, and pure emotion. My judgement comes from the high pedestal I was put on since I was a child, causing me to have constant judgement in myself.

It goes from: I feel terrible -> I can't stand the way I feel -> I hate myself for feeling this way -> Why am I like this?
Questions that have answers but I'm still left unanswered. It feels like I am on fire.
Truly it comes down to this: If I'm like this, then why did it have to happen to me? I know the origin, the causes, the symptoms, but why did it have to be me?
Why was I born as me?

“The nights spent kicking cars
Won't you help me find the stars
The things I dream are tearing up the structure's seams”

Kicking Cars was the song that made me sob at the concert. Have you ever felt as if your life was falling apart? Have you ever felt as if there was no fixing things, and that you wanted to disappear?
Have you ever wanted to die?
These are the things that raced through my head. Endless sleepless nights. The slow progression of being torn apart in the melody that made me forget it all for a second.

Hearing that beginning tune live in my ears made me remember every single emotion I felt. The pain all leads to this moment in time, where I am free to let it out. I'm allowed to be myself. I'm free to be human.

Once again I cry thinking about how much I hate myself. I question myself, burning endlessly, alone. Why push people away when you don't want to be abandoned? I wish I could answer.
As I grow I learn. As I learn I realize one thing: My emotions are one in 8 billion around the world. Is it truly impossible to ever be alone?

I was once told that it's hard to love yourself. So simply accept yourself. That is the first step.

https://youtu.be/lpfaqMnL-90