ENTRY 1: PANCHIKO

Dear Diary...

October 5th, 2025

Music will forever be one of my favorite art forms.

PANCHIKO is a band that formed sometime between 1997 and 1998. Their origin started as high schoolers making music, creating their 2000 demo EP D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L. In 2016, a 4chan user discovered their demo in a charity shop and shared it online. The EP’s status was lost media and a dedicated cult following was created to track down who Panchiko was. The band had no idea until 2020 when Davies was messaged on Facebook by a fan explaining the ordeal.

Their music is completely unique. At the time, a band with indie rock, shoegaze, and dream pop was something alien. PANCHIKO was not just a band, they were an experience.

This was the first concert I've ever been to. I've been to concerts when I was very little with my dad since he was big in the music scene but I can barely even remember them. I took my friend who had never been to a concert before as well.
I found out about Panchiko through a friend. She let me listen to ‘All They Wanted’ in our AP art class… ever since I was hooked.

Music is a form of escape for me. If I can't put my thoughts into words, music will. From its mood to its lyrics everything fits in place to tell an experience. It's beautiful.
I was emotional during Panchiko's concert. Their music is something that's deep within my soul. Their song, CUT, is something I relate to on a personal level.

“Try to describe the voices in your head, they're hard to disguise
To somebody sad, come back to Earth

You've gone too far, this time they cut you too deep

You tread these thin white lines and we know the truth

We sit at home we watch the girl in the booth

Who gives her services for hundreds of yen

She wonders where all the happiness went
She's cut, cut, cut She's cut, cut, cut She's cut, cut, cut She's cut, cut, cut”

CUT describes my constant fear of abandonment and being forgotten.

“They forged this heart for you to fall apart

Have I been cut again?

Just to dust, sweet descent my friend”

To build trust just for it to only be a delusion. It's an embarrassing cycle that doesn't seem to stop. It is why I am so closed off. I have learned that this is common with others, which is why I share it.

fear of abandonment comes from past trauma and my disorder. ‘She’s cut’. It can be seen as being cut off again or abandoned, but it can also represent my bad habit of harming myself. The song resonates deep within my soul, it's bothering a terrified version of me but comforting it at the same time. It's a confusing, hurting, beautiful experience.

I've always hated my scars and I've been very insecure about my body for a long time. I switch between always wearing long-sleeves or jackets or forgetting to because of the hot weather.. But I do notice when people do double takes towards me. I know the look. I feel embarrassed and ashamed for who I am.

D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L talks about a girl who doesn't fit in anywhere. No matter how much she changes her mold she can't seem to place in society. She fades away, far, far, away. ‘What do people think of me?’ It's a thought many people think of. I think about it every second of the day. The stares, looks, action, intention, it all is a great deal to me.

I want to fit in, but I am different. I want to be seen as capable and strong, but I am easy to break. I want to feel happy, but I can't seem to like myself. Why is that? Many people question the flow of life and our brains that don't seem to make sense.
It's a simple explanation really: My disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a trauma induced disorder that causes disturbance in oneself and relationships. This then causes me to act on impulse, fear, and pure emotion. My judgement comes from the high pedestal I was put on since I was a child, causing me to have constant judgement in myself.

It goes from: I feel terrible -> I can't stand the way I feel -> I hate myself for feeling this way -> Why am I like this?
Questions that have answers but I'm still left unanswered. It feels like I am on fire.
Truly it comes down to this: If I'm like this, then why did it have to happen to me? I know the origin, the causes, the symptoms, but why did it have to be me?
Why was I born as me?

“The nights spent kicking cars
Won't you help me find the stars
The things I dream are tearing up the structure's seams”

Kicking Cars was the song that made me sob at the concert. Have you ever felt as if your life was falling apart? Have you ever felt as if there was no fixing things, and that you wanted to disappear?
Have you ever wanted to die?
These are the things that raced through my head. Endless sleepless nights. The slow progression of being torn apart in the melody that made me forget it all for a second.

Hearing that beginning tune live in my ears made me remember every single emotion I felt. The pain all leads to this moment in time, where I am free to let it out. I'm allowed to be myself. I'm free to be human.

Once again I cry thinking about how much I hate myself. I question myself, burning endlessly, alone. Why push people away when you don't want to be abandoned? I wish I could answer.
As I grow I learn. As I learn I realize one thing: My emotions are one in 8 billion around the world. Is it truly impossible to ever be alone?

I was once told that it's hard to love yourself. So simply accept yourself. That is the first step.

https://youtu.be/lpfaqMnL-90