Dear Online Diary...

9/28/24

Who I am?

Most of my life I have been outcasted. I learned how im not apart of society's standard of 'normal', and decided to go inside my small shell. Online was the only place I could escape to and be myself. I decided that one day I was tired of being a 'loser' and started living in the real world. It was like life grabbed a huge mallet and swung right at me- because once again... I was outcasted.

Constantly trying your hardest to seem human and normal to others so you can fit in feels like you're ripping yourself apart. No matter how hard you try, you always seem to fail. Its because you're being someone you're not. Im not what you think is normal at all, and it makes me feel so much pain. It pains me these people will always look at me as different and dislike me because of who I am. I always ask myself through my endless nightmares: Why? Why am I the way that I am?

I cant take the reality of the real world, im sorry mom... I know the place I truly belong, and its on the internet. Next time, im just staying here and NEVER leaving again. In real life, I'll just slowly revert back to my small closed off self... im more comfortable that way.

8/15/24

Senior Year

Today was my last first day of highschool; my senior year. Im so exhausted! I stayed up all night on call with Kai after he returned. My day was really good, I got to see my friends, eat tasty food, and had my favorite teachers! Luckily we barely did anything today, so I played dress to impress the entire day. Im excited for this year, as I think its going to be a good one.

As for the last blog post I mentioned my downfall... I finally figured out my feelings and pin pointing whats been bothering me! To keep it short; after my breakup ive been lacking the love my partner had gave me. Of course, I couldnt go back to my partner as I was afraid he would betray me again... so I looked for the love he given me through other people. Every single time a guy would help me in a dark time, I became obsessed with them! "This is the one!" Id tell myself.. just for it to be not true at all. I went through guy after guy. I started to feel unlovable, as the only person who does love me is well.. my partner, but then i started getting scared! "What if he hates me now? What if he leaves me?" Because at this point I already knew I wanted him back. I wanted the person I care so much back.. so bad.. even if they are long distance. I kept all his pictures, drawings, and pinterest boards for a reason.. I knew I wasnt over him. If you could see me, you would see me doing a tired sigh. Its so hard to figure out your feelings when you're on 10 all the time! So the aftermath is this; im in a special close relationship with Kai again! Not a relationship since im still waiting to find someone in-person(which i doubt i will, and thats okay!!), but its something very unique to us and us only. I think now I can finally relax and not rush love anymore. My wise words for you all is this: DONT rush love! Please be patient, as it comes around eventually. Trust me.

8/2/24

My Downfall

Who ever is praying on my downfall you are winning quite well. Not only did one of the people I loved betrayed me, but he left me and wants no contact with me for a month. I thought to myself that hey, at least I have someone new that I can love... but hes moving far away. My luck always tumbles and falls when it comes to wanting to be loved, when I finally grasp it somehow it falls far from me. There was even another guy I wanted to date, but RIGHT after his breakup he started talking to another girl! Are you serious? I was there for him when his girl dumped him and this is the thanks I get? Im so angry that I had to write in my blog about this! I went thrifting, got my nails done, ate a burger, and felt like a cute teenage girl, but now im expierencing the teenage things I DONT want! Oh God, if you're there somewhere, please, let me have something to love me please!!!!!!! Please...

7/25/24

Summer is Ending

I have been in a low point in my life. I often wonder why we as humans go through the turmoil of life, which can be percieved as beautiful or hell. It is only temporary, but this temporary torture hurts so much.. I like to think who ever is reading this right now, cares for me. Why would you even read a random teenage girls blog if it wasnt for the love and care you feel for her? Right? Right? Thats how I like to think anyway. I hope that you, yes you, are reading this right now. I look at the moon and think; 'hes looking at the same one as me', and i pray you still think that too. Oh what a sad life i live ;-;........ Updates on my project.... Kaiyohana has been revamped..!!

6/26/24

Living

After meeting the guy I mentioned in my last entry, I realized how different life is. As I opened up more this year and met new people, I realize how my BPD doesnt define me, and how I am human just like the rest. Life is too good to worry about what others think, but life can also be agonizing, but thats how living works. Life isnt always worth living, just live until it is. As I go into my senior year I have a clearer headpsace and a kinder perspective towards myself. I am done with recieving the abuse i get from home, as i am too happy to be alive to even care. I am strong and I am happy, I am human and I have downfalls and upbringings, i adore being me. I hope to be the person to help you all realize how life is worth living.

5/18/24

Touch Starved

Im back living with my mother. Life has been extremely hectic, and i feel lost and a little confused. One thing I wanted to talk about was when I was at the movies cuddling with a friend. He put his arm around me and played with my hair. He held my hand when I was dizzy, and i started thinking how bad I miss being given affection. I want to be held like that again... I was thinking on how we were both traumatized kids who lives with abusive parents. being able to be held by someone whos just like me felt so nice, especially when i have been feeling unloved for so very long. I miss my friend.

4/27/24

Where will I go?

I got into a arguement with my mom, which lead to her kicking me out. I have no home to stay at anymore. I hope this is temporary. Im lucky to have irls to keep me safe, my friends parents are picking me up. I only have my school uniform, my school stuff, my two stuffed animals, and the letters from Kai. I dont know where life is taking me. Its raining pretty hard..

2/24/24

Birthday

Its been quite a while. My birthday wasnt much to enjoy afterall, as I was yelled at for spending my birthday money on myself instead of using it for bills. Me and mother are struggling so money is hard to get, its why i was yelled at. i dont think its an excuse. i just wanted to enjoy my birthday for once in my life, but i couldnt. will I ever be able to?

1/31/24

Future Plans

Its been a few days. Thats because my mother baker acted me by telling lies. its a very long story, and it was a long week of needles, vitals, isolation, fights, sleepless nights, and being far away from home and my friends. I wouldnt want to go into detail since.. its personal, but it was awfully traumatic. im home now with new medication, i got back home on Sunday.

Im typing on my iPad right now fun fact. I came home ready to get on the laptop until i saw a note saying 'do not touch thank you.' I fear im not allowed on it anymore, which will significally drown my process in coding. i'll just skate to the nearest library if anything.. even though it will be tedious... but i will do anything to accomplish my dream of making Kaiyohana real.

I opened up to a dear friend of mine today. I was about to cry, and he told me he had candy. he pulled out cough drops. it made me confused, but smile. theres this phenomenon where you can snap someone out of their mental breakdown like state if you confuse them enough. hes a lovely person.

im thinking of revamping this entire site. having code thats completely mine will be nice, i also have really good ideas. i think thats all i have to say. oh, right. my birthday is soon. i dont like my birthday. my last birthday was traumatizing. I dont know if i'll ever see it the same.

1/16/24

My Cold

Unfortunately.. after the 13th I have been suffering from an awful cold. Its hard to speak and my throat was extremely sore for a while. Its hard to breathe through my nose because its constantly stuffy.. i feel so exhausted, along with having shortness of breath. These pass few days have just been dragging me down. Im so tired and stressed from my cold and school. The end of the quarter ends this week, so having to study and pray I get passing grades is just all the more overwhelming.

As I was waiting for my bus I was completely drained from today. The unfortunate thing is that Im friendly with many people, so everyone was stopping me to say hi, take a picture for year book, or just making conversation. I love my friends, really I do, I was just desperate for a break in my thoughts and voice. My throat was hurting, afterall. In that moment I was wishing I was invisible, that way everyone would leave me be for the time being until I got my energy up. You know, it didnt help since these loud ass group is always yelling on the bus.. and well.. I had to sit right behind them due to me getting on the bus late. I had such a huge migrane. I eventually just closed my eyes and tried to control my headache.

I'd also like to add my obsession with The Digital Circus lately.. I've been obsessed since it came out, but recently I am just craving content- ESPECIALLY if it involves my favorites Gangle and Jax :3c.....

1/3/24

Drama

I felt like making a blog today. Yesterday was pretty interesting, there was this instagram page that popped up that was affiliated with one of the students from my school. It was dedicated to posting 'annoying people', and it followed me. Me and my friends suspect its someone we know.. actually, no doubt about it, it MUST be that person.. but I digress.

If you are wondering if someone posted me, yes. They did. At first I decided to post myself in the little question box, as I thought it would be funny. My friends knew this but still defended me anyway, (they're so kind), however.. someone did make a serious post about me. It said;

"Those who are defending Luna clearly hasn't seen her true colors ong" and another "Luna is genuinely so annoying I'm so srs, she's so fake as well :skull_emoji:"

Haha, those were really funny. It just sounds like this person just wanted to talk shit, since there was this one girl who despises my friendgroup and probably wrote that, or someone who was exposed to the other side of me, meaning that I stopped masking my BPD and Autisim. Either way, it made me laugh, and Im very invested..

Everyone was defending me. In fact, even the page itself. Kai sent death threats and reassured me in paragraphs < 3

1/1/24

New Years

This is my first blog post. Its almost 5am on New Years day, and im feeling an odd sense of emptiness. Thats why im coding now. Doing something that occupies my brain always makes me feel less empty. Kai told me about a phenomenon that includes feeling sad on New Years day because of the haunting thought that you will never be young again, however, im not sad because of that. Its... very complicated.. Or am I saying that because I dont think it matters that much? Well at the end of the day I feel nice coming back to my roots. Staying up late nights alone on the internet and talking about my feelings. I already know the people here wouldnt care nor judge me for speaking. I cant even see whos viewing right now. Its so nice to speak and be listened to. I hate the consequences when I try and talk about how I feel. Im going to really like this site.