4/27/24

I got into a arguement with my mom, which lead to her kicking me out. I have no home to stay at anymore. I hope this is temporary. Im lucky to have irls to keep me safe, my friends parents are picking me up. I only have my school uniform, my school stuff, my two stuffed animals, and the letters from my boyfriend. I dont know where life is taking me. Its raining pretty hard..

3/28/24

I feel very talentless. I look at my peers around me and see how amazing they are at art, editing, crafting, being smart, anything. I then look at myself.. and I see none of those things. I have been hating my art recently. I wonder if KYH should be continued, I cant have art like this if it wont look good for a story like kaiyohana. I dont even know if my story is even good actually. I go off of what others tell me. They say I draw good, they say I edit good, so why do people not like my art? Why do I not attract attention? I know the truth behind the lies, im not good enough and i never will be.

I will be alone for a week. Im not prepared. I wonder how I was born in such a way.

3/18/24

Its 6:12am on a school day. This weekend I tried coding in the KYH neocities- all was going well until i bumped into an error. my scroll boxes werent working? i dont know what error in the code is causing this!! i took a break.. now i think i will just code on my personal neocities to catch myself a break. getting fustrated with coding is burdening, especially if it has something to do with kaiyohana. i think kyh should be a project i am happy to work on, not fustrated to work on! its why i always take breaks from it so it wont become a burden. anyway, this weekend was fun. i got to study and hang out with my good friend oliver!! he got me two coloring books of my little pony, it was awesome. i didnt know i liked coloring books this much... new found interest. im scared to go to school today because last school day was awful. i had a breakdown and was stressing hard over my grades. i have a test today and i pray i get a good grade, im terrified to get an F. today will be better.. right? i think so. i hope so.

3/15/25

i finally got the laptop again! yay! last weekend i studied with my best friend ARI!!! i just read her blog and got inspired to write in mine, hi ari if you're reading this! i lov you :3!! anyway, ive been taking a break from kaiyohana until im able to get my own computer to code. to be honest ive been having trouble with making it.. just a lot of ideas running through my head and im starting to think- maybe this year wont be the year of kaiyohana.. maybe next year? i dont know but im stressing...!! @_@... my mouse broke which sucks.. i ordered a new one but it wont get here until the 25th! ughh hurry uppp!! my studies have been going well, i finally got all my grades up (instead for geometry, but im working extra hard to bring that up). Ive been thinking about what i want to do with my future. its much more harder than i thought. i want to make kaiyohana, yes, but theres so many factors contributing to that. i need art, a fanbase, things to show, redesigning, story boarding, its all so hard.. its why i had to take the workload off of me. i hope im able to figure something out because well.. at the moment, oh man, im seriously struggling!! @_@

3/6/24

How awful it is to have an FP. im pondering wether or not he hates me all because of a simple interaction i had with him. does he dislike me? does he find me annoying? i dont want him to leave me. what will i do without him? i'd feel so empty. if i ever annoyed him, or made him feel uncomfortable, i just can't bear to live with myself. this is why i cant show my true self to him.. but.. how will i be finally fine?

2/29/23

its hard scripting or drawing for kaiyohana. my work just never feels good enough. no matter who tells me how good it is, i can never see it as enough. sometimes i wonder if its worth it to continue my dream if i dont even have the talent to achieve it… i look at my peers and inspirations and pray i get like them, but ive been doing that since i was a child.. will i ever be like them?
i dont feel like doing anything

2/26/24

ive decided to make an impulsive descision and continue making kaiyohana, but this time, the manga. Its been fun so far, however, the stress is really getting to me. being one person and dong all of this.. its a lot.. all I ask is for everyone to be patient.

But i digress.. what i do want to talk about is how the hell can people be so mean and feel proud of it? trust me, no one is going to think you are cool for being a complete bitch. if anything people want to distance themselves from you because of your attitude. the only people you will attract is assholes and abusers. ugh. I hate high schoolers.

2/24/24

(making seperate blog entry for this) I really need a computer. I hope that after I get a job im allowed on it more often, because my production on my projects are very slow right now. When I get a job im saving up for a computer, I hope the day will come soon..

Theres so many things I want to buy. having money does buy happiness in my opinion, cuz if i had a hunnid dollars right now i would totally be jumping off the walls. shien, aliexpress, angelic pretty, mecari, amazon, all i could ask for.. anything i want with a simple job. god. jeez. i want and need a job. i hope i get hired.

2/24/24

Its been quite a while. My birthday wasnt much to enjoy afterall, as I was yelled at for spending my birthday money on myself instead of using it for bills. Me and mother are struggling so money is hard to get, its why i was yelled at. i dont think its an excuse. i just wanted to enjoy my birthday for once in my life, but i couldnt. will I ever be able to?

Kaiyohana production has been slow. since my time on the laptop is extremely limited, i decided to go on a slight hiatus on the project. Ive been drwing concepts of the project but got side tracked with the coding of this site and my genshin phase coming back. Im not allowed on the laptop unless I apply to three jobs, and luckily, i was able to have a interview after a few weeks of trying. im excited, but nervous. its at my fav burger joint, five guys!

Valentines day was lovely. My girlfriend sent me a letter having beautiful things and gifts. I made her a song for her oc, and I really like it. I'll link it here maybe. this is also the first blog post where im writing in the new layout of my site... i really like it so far. im proud of my site, but im burnt out.. i think i'll work on kaiyohana stuff. maybe.

2/11/24

What a fun day this was. I was worried it would be as pityful as last years, but today was joyous. I got to go to the mall with my lovely best friend Ari, and we got so much stuff. I hanged out with her at her house and got to see her cat, Chocolate. She gave me her figurine collection, so now my room is a cluttered mess. I love it. I have so much money to spend, but I want to save as much as I can.

I plan to spend my money on a Jax hoodie and some stuff from my shien/aliexpress cart... Im so excited!!! I also am gonna help Ari out with her neocities, I love coding!! Ari had a lot of cute posters in her room, which made me get on the laptop so I can use a doc to print out posters. Im gonna print out a lot, so im excited!! Im going to wrap this up now with how thankful I am.. thankful for all the love I gotten today, especially from my girlfriend Kai....

2/3/24

I finally got my hands on the laptop!! Yess!!!! Ive been dying to code for so long. Recently a friend ordered me a keyboard and mouse for my iPad, so when I cant get on the computer I can just use my iPad. Ive also been on a job search. Im under the review at this one place, and I hope I get accepted. I have a lot of things in my online cart that I neeeeeed to buy... my birthday is coming up so I hope I can get money then/

Other than that I've been just napping and gaming all day. Enjoying my first weekend not in the hospital, how great~~ time to code~~~

1/31/24

Its been a few days. Thats because my mother baker acted me by telling lies. its a very long story, and it was a long week of needles, vitals, isolation, fights, sleepless nights, and being far away from home and my friends. I wouldnt want to go into detail since.. its personal, but it was awfully traumatic. im home now with new medication, i got back home on Sunday.

Im typing on my iPad right now fun fact. I came home ready to get on the laptop until i saw a note saying 'do not touch thank you.' I fear im not allowed on it anymore, which will significally drown my process in coding. i'll just skate to the nearest library if anything.. even though it will be tedious... but i will do anything to accomplish my dream of making Kaiyohana real.

I opened up to a dear friend of mine today. I was about to cry, and he told me he had candy. he pulled out cough drops. it made me confused, but smile. theres this phenomenon where you can snap someone out of their mental breakdown like state if you confuse them enough. hes a lovely person.

im thinking of revamping this entire site. having code thats completely mine will be nice, i also have really good ideas. i think thats all i have to say. oh, right. my birthday is soon. i dont like my birthday. my last birthday was traumatizing. I dont know if i'll ever see it the same.

1/18/24

today one of my male classmates told me that it is my fault when i get raped, since it is considered a sin to expose yourself to looking attractive.

i wish i could disappear.

1/16/24

Unfortunately.. after the 13th I have been suffering from an awful cold. Its hard to speak and my throat was extremely sore for a while. Its hard to breathe through my nose because its constantly stuffy.. i feel so exhausted, along with having shortness of breath. These pass few days have just been dragging me down. Im so tired and stressed from my cold and school. The end of the quarter ends this week, so having to study and pray I get passing grades is just all the more overwhelming.

As I was waiting for my bus I was completely drained from today. The unfortunate thing is that Im friendly with many people, so everyone was stopping me to say hi, take a picture for year book, or just making conversation. I love my friends, really I do, I was just desperate for a break in my thoughts and voice. My throat was hurting, afterall. In that moment I was wishing I was invisible, that way everyone would leave me be for the time being until I got my energy up. You know, it didnt help since these loud ass group is always yelling on the bus.. and well.. I had to sit right behind them due to me getting on the bus late. I had such a huge migrane. I eventually just closed my eyes and tried to control my headache.

Now as for Kaiyohana updates... I've been working hard at Amai's site and other lore involving the characters/story. In fact this is the first time I hopped onto the computer straight after school to code. Luckily, I have no due work tomorrow so I should be fine with having a free day today (thank God). Im very proud at how Amai's site is turning out, and I cant wait to make more things involving Kaiyohana.

I'd also like to add my obsession with The Digital Circus lately.. I've been obsessed since it came out, but recently I am just craving content- ESPECIALLY if it involves my favorites Gangle and Jax :3c.....

1/13/24

School started again and im doing pretty okay. Finals is stressing me out a bit but I think my grades should be good for this quarter. Speaking of.. if its obvious enough, I havent had time to code or draw anything due to school. Im too busy with school, studying, and other hobbies. I do love working on Kaiyohana, but the last thing I want is for it to be a chore. The project is supposed to be fun, not a job I am forced to do against my will.. you know?

I need an actual job soon. I just hate the idea of being in a place where I can break down and my room isnt anywhere near. Im kind of just rambling at this point. Today I went shopping with my friends, it was very fun. I am in love with the jojifuku style and found some things that were perfect for it. Being with people who accept you is very comforting, but, I can never feel fully safe. I always wonder if they will betray me.. or if they'll get sick of me..

I hope not.

1/6/24

Angel Beats is the most amazing anime that I've watched in a while.

I am just so in shock how such a heartwrenching yet hilarious anime can make me cry so much tears. Im personally a huge Madoka Magica and Evangelion fan, and Angel Beats was the perfect anime to feed me the type of heartbreaking psychological content. The anime is funny, yet realistic. Its relatable, yet unserious. The balance is so perfect to the point where it belongs in second place of my top anime list. If you have not watched Angel Beats, I beg you to check it out.

Enough of me nerding out... I am making quite the progress of my coding expierence. Im adding new stuff to this site, like floating stamps at the top.. cuz thats cool. I take inspiration from L4IN's site, wanting my neocities to look like this kawaii flashy early 2000's type of esque. I just compared mine to hers and well.. I got a long way to get there.. but its the effort that counts, right?

I was fearful that I would lose interest in coding. I feel as if this now a new hobby of mine, and I hope I never drop it. Thanks to coding, Kaiyohana seems like a serious think.. and I love that. Not only that, but coding my own website is perfect. I always thought instagram and twitter could never suffice my emotions because I hate it when people can text me and say something like, 'Your feelings is invalid' and stuff. I just want to be on a public stage (my site) and speak to you all without anyone telling me otherwise (this blog). Theres just so much freedom here and well.. im addicted. I wish I got into neocities earlier...

Anyways.. winter break is almost over, school is starting Monday. Its weird going from the break to work again, but its fine. Im use to the transistion thanks to me being a studious student~

1/5/24

Coding Coding

Finally, I figured out how to change my favicon and mouse cursor for my sites!! Ive been making very good progress on the Kaiyohana site. Coding actually feels really fun now, I love seeing my friends get excited with my creations. I was thinking of adding a chat box here, but I dont know where to put it... Oh well, I actually dont know if i want people to chat here. The purpose of this site is just for me to speak, cuz I wanna!

Recently I have been watching Angel Beats. God I adore it. Its not like those annoying fanservice animes that has something like incest, perverted stuff, or just weird shit anime has sometimes- its quite literally perfect. The character designs are nice and the character writing is entertaining. The comedy is really funny yet the story makes me tear up! I havent seen a good anime with a dark plot in a while, this is def one of my new favorites

Yui is my fav character, shes just like me

1/3/24

Drama

I felt like making a blog today. Yesterday was pretty interesting, there was this instagram page that popped up that was affiliated with one of the students from my school. It was dedicated to posting 'annoying people', and it followed me. Me and my friends suspect its someone we know.. actually, no doubt about it, it MUST be that person.. but I digress.

If you are wondering if someone posted me, yes. They did. At first I decided to post myself in the little question box, as I thought it would be funny. My friends knew this but still defended me anyway, (they're so kind), however.. someone did make a serious post about me. It said;

"Those who are defending Luna clearly hasn't seen her true colors ong" and another "Luna is genuinely so annoying I'm so srs, she's so fake as well :skull_emoji:"

Haha, those were really funny. It just sounds like this person just wanted to talk shit, since there was this one girl who despises my friendgroup and probably wrote that, or someone who was exposed to the other side of me, meaning that I stopped masking my BPD and Autisim. Either way, it made me laugh, and Im very invested..

Everyone was defending me. In fact, even the page itself. Kai sent death threats and reassured me in paragraphs, oh how I love my boyfriend < 3

1/1/24

New Years

This is my first blog post. Its almost 5am on New Years day, and im feeling an odd sense of emptiness. Thats why im coding now. Doing something that occupies my brain always makes me feel less empty. Kai told me about a phenomenon that includes feeling sad on New Years day because of the haunting thought that you will never be young again, however, im not sad because of that. Its... very complicated.. Or am I saying that because I dont think it matters that much?

Well at the end of the day I feel nice coming back to my roots. Staying up late nights alone on the internet and talking about my feelings. I already know the people here wouldnt care nor judge me for speaking. I cant even see whos viewing right now. Its so nice to speak and be listened to. I hate the consequences when I try and talk about how I feel.

Im going to really like this site.